i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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