Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
