You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
