So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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