Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
