He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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