Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have tasted many bathrooms
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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