he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I enjoy the company of your penis
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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