No awkward lesbian experiences without me
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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