Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
