He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
