Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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