tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
