Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize