We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
