Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
