We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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