So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
