he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize