My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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