If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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