I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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