I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
