Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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