im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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