He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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