i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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