I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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