so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
