first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
