When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
