i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
