There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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