yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
