you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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