I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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