no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
