Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
