sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
