Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
