I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize