is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
