I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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