there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
