Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
