Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
