i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
