Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
