I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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