He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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