Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
