yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
