Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
