I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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