His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize