got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
