I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize