I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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