I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
