he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
