this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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