there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize