well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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