I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize